Taliban Monkeys With Guns

14 07 2010

I am just now realizing how menacing monkeys really are. Sure, we all see them in little comical sketches on TV, or at the zoo or at the circus. But those little simian miscreants plan to get the last laugh.

As this post’s title alludes, the most recent example of monkey sabotage is news that the Taliban has been investigating the use of trained monkeys to kill their enemies. From an article on the Discovery News site:

Monkeys have been trained by the Taliban in Afghanistan to use machine guns and trench mortars against U.S. military forces, reports People’s Daily Online.

According to this Chinese media story, monkeys can now operate the Kalashnikov, Bren light machine gun, and have the ability to identify and attack U.S. soldiers based on the appearance of their uniforms.

The below photo has been widely distributed over the Internet.

Now while I’ll be the first to agree that any monkey can be trained to fire a Kalashnikov, I really don’t think that the Taliban will be devoting their time and efforts to such monkeyshines while they seem to have a plentiful supply of bleating sheep ready to strap on a rocket vest straight to Allah. They do however make a nice cheek rest, especially useful on an unforgiving metal underfolder stock.

Having been witness to real live humans being trained in the use of firearms, I would also think that the unpredictability of the prehensile-tailed trainees would throw a monkey wrench into the works.

This did however get me to thinking about other examples of how the monkey is not the friend of man. While I’m sure there are more examples, allow me to touch on a few:

Raiders of the Lost Ark (aka Indiana Jones, Part One)

Although most folks have witnessed the campy adventures of Indiana Jones as he battles the Nazi attempt to capture the Lost Ark of the Covenant, few recall the sneaky double agent National Socialist Monkey, who spies on our heroes and dutifully reports back to his handler, even throwing out a stiff-arm salute to its fellow Nazis. Its plans are foiled however, when it consumes a poisoned date intended for Indy and his crew.


This somewhat forgettable movie starred Dustin Hoffman and Renee Russo as doctors trying to find a cure for a disease that threatens to wipe out humanity in the days before the bird flu was fashionable. In order to find the cure, they must first find the host – in this case none other than a little screeching monkey hopping from tree to tree in the Pacific Northwest. It’s just like the old saying goes, “Monkey is the root of all evil.”

Planet of the Apes

""Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!" If Charlton Heston doesn't trust them, it's good enough for me. While you're at it, get your stinking paws off my guns, too. Seriously.


Another one lost to time, this 1988 indie epic told the tale of a quadriplegic whose psychic/psychotic mental link with his trained monkey results in death and mayhem as the jealous Capuchin wreaks havoc on those around them.

Family Guy

Terrorizing Chris Griffin for years, the Evil Monkey who lives in his closet is alleged to just be misunderstood, but we know better. He’s a monkey. He’s evil.

Space Ghost

Click the link to find out what Space Ghost fans already know:  what happened when Brak hired a monkey to take notes for him in class.

12 Monkeys: I thought this movie was sort of cool, Bruce Willis as a confused time traveler and Brad Pitt as the slightly deranged leader of the Army of the 12 Monkeys. If it wasn’t for those darn monkeys, Bruce would have gone after the real villain and maybe the world could have been saved. If not for those darn monkeys. Even though there really weren’t any monkeys in the Army. Anyway, see the movie and feel comfortable blaming it on the monkeys.

King Kong: Terrorizing Skull Island wasn’t bad enough, the big ape has to tear up NYC. “It wasn’t the fall that killed him, it was the sudden stop.”

Every Which Way But Loose: Clint, really? Any simian that can drag Clint Eastwood to such depths can only be an instrument of the Devil. Charlton Heston never would have stooped to playing second banana to an orangutan, not to mention doing a sequel. Ruth Gordon still stole the show: “That god damn ape ate my Oreos!”

Monkeys are bad. They pee on themselves. They fling poo. They can’t type.

Plus, they kidnap little kitties.

Never trust a monkey.

UPDATE: Monkeys hate flying squirrels, report monkey-annoyance experts

From the Christian Science Monitor:

Japanese macaques will completely flip out when presented with flying squirrels, a new study in monkey-antagonism has found. The research could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys.

No word on how they react to Moose.




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